Some days it amazes me the rampant sex drive of my peers and of my fellow sex bloggers. I hear of my friends having sex multiple times a day, in various places, with various toys and kink and fun. I want that. Because honestly, I have one of the lowest sex drives of anyone I know.
I used to think it was just because I was waiting for marriage for PIV sex. It didn’t make sense for me to be horny all of the time, so I assumed I was unconsciously keeping it at bay. Being terribly turned on only every few months made things easier – I didn’t have to control myself because the desire wasn’t there anyway. At the time of dating my ex, I would only be super horny every month or two. Sometimes my drive would be terribly strong, but it would disappear for a few weeks to a month at a time and I didn’t mind.
With my current partner, things have just gotten worse. I can go for almost six months without really wanting sex of any kind. I try to push myself; I think if I just start, I’ll get into it. I know I will. Except half of the time I don’t. Some of the time I push myself so hard it brings back memories of being coerced into sex by my exes. I didn’t have the most healthy relationships, and now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I try and construct a BDSM scene where I have no choice in the matter, but I end up safewording out of it and crying out of fear and frustration.
It can make reviewing sex toys a bit difficult when I’m in a lull. I’ll get a shiny new toy but not be in the mood to use it for weeks. I get jealous reading about other bloggers’ sexcapades and wondering why I can’t be enjoying the fun times like they are.
I’m not totally sure what the problem is. I’ve already changed birth control three times and I couldn’t bear to tell my doctor this one isn’t working. What if I feel like this on every pill, with every ring and hormonal device I can use? I don’t want to have to use them all to find out. I’m also not convinced it’s my pill at all; maybe I need to get past all of the pressure and coercion from my past relationships before I can properly enjoy this one. Or maybe it’s just me – I’ve always had a lower desire for sex than my peers, and maybe it’s just the way my body is.
Whatever combination of these things is happening, I don’t like it. I want to be sexy and fun and I want to be able to pleasure myself and my partner whenever my brain thinks about it. Unfortunately my brain and my emotional/sexual desire is nowhere near in sync.
If anyone else has a similar story, I’d love to hear it. E-mail me if you don’t want to share it publicly, or if you’ve heard any suggestions that might help. I’m up for anything at this point. Until then, I’ll keep trying.
2 comments
Tess
May 23, 2011 at 10:29 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Though I had a vigorous sex drive as a teen, it is only recently (5 years later) that it has returned. For years, I just wasn’t into it. I would have sex with boyfriends every few months because that’s just what they wanted. It’s not that it was bad sex or anything, I just wasn’t really into it.
In my experience, any of the birth control pills I’ve been on have done nothing to influence my sex drive. I never really thought that affected sex drive anyway.
I read somewhere a long time ago that just having sex regularly (I think they were talking like once a week) can eventually boost your sex drive, but I have never personally tested that theory out, so I have no idea if it’s true. There’s also a possibility that the people you are having sex with just don’t turn you on enough, maybe you aren’t sexually compatible.
I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with a dampened sex drive, though it can affect relationships. Sex shouldn’t feel like a chore or an obligation and you shouldn’t do it if it feels that way, even if that means not having sex for months. Any partner worth having would understand that.
Lucid Obsession
May 24, 2011 at 6:27 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I know for me, depression and stress really fuck with my system in general. I didn’t notice anything when I went on the pill, though I wasn’t sexually active but still masturbated a lot. I’ve always felt kinda weird and uncomfortable about having a bit of a high sex drive and even had a guy break up with me because of it. My lifestyle does just about everything to lower it, being on the pill, being overweight, being stressed, etc. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I were to change all of that.
I would say if you want to try to boost it, make sure you’re getting all your vitamins and stuff. Try some of the arousal gels and stimulating lubes to get you started if you’re not quite feeling it and just masturbate a bit each day, even if it’s not to orgasm. Or partner play, whichever. Increasing touch there should eventually increase your drive.