This post…well, it’ll be interesting for me writing it. More personal than most, less sexual than most, but still important. For some reason I felt I needed to write it here, to get it out.
Many of you know the story of my ex-boyfriend, ex-fiance. Together for two years but he left because I wasn’t willing to become a Mormon. Met great people at the church, learned some important life lessons, and learned that religion is not for me. So he cut ties. We tried getting back together, fixing things…that turned into an ‘open relationship’ which turned into him not telling the other woman that I was still in his life whatsoever. Probably another reason I cling tightly to monogamy in my relationships…mistrust.
Anyway, he married last year after proposing to his then-girlfriend as she came out of the baptismal pool. I knew her a bit, online, and I watched her follow the life path I had willingly forsaken. I kept in touch with her, read her blog. M doesn’t really understand it, but I think I enjoy seeing what my life could have been like because it helps me appreciate where I am so much more.
If you don’t know a lot about Mormonism and the teachings of the LDS church, there are quite a few misconceptions. In the spirit of inclusion and understanding, I suggest you read about them sometime. However, one thing I spent a lot of time looking into back then was the idea of marriage in the temple. Mormons may only be ‘sealed’ in the temple to another Mormon and the ceremony is extremely important – they believe that without it, there is no place for you in the highest realm of Heaven. But the work inside the temples, while spiritual, has also been called ‘cult-like’ by many who have left the church. I spent a lot of time reading about ex-Mormon women’s experiences inside the temple, the frustration and disappointment they felt on their wedding day. Unable to have their non-Mormon familes there for the ceremony. Practices, props, and outfits that made them feel humiliated and violated on what was supposed to be their happiest day.
I really hoped that my ex’s wife would enjoy her sealing, despite knowing how likely these feelings might be for her. I hoped that somehow the feelings that convinced her to convert to the church’s faith would carry her through the ceremony and make it a fine day. Alas, I read her blog today. She says she’s ‘not at liberty to say a whole lot’ but she was ‘dissapointed’ and ‘upset’ through the whole ordeal.She’s ‘battling herself on this one’ and hopes that it will become more clear through time.
For the first time, I truly wish I could hug this poor woman. I wake up every day so happy that I didn’t convert, so happy that I chose a life where I can truly be my own person and not feel overshadowed by an organization I don’t fully support. But reading that, from her, made me wish I could save her somehow. It made me sorry for her for the first time because she chose the path which, for me, would have been darkest.
I only hope she comes out happy at the other end.
2 comments
True Pleasures
July 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Well, I hope that she converted on her own terms and not just because of him. A lot of the time, marriages with partners of differing religions don’t work out too well. If she only did it for him, and ends up not being happy with it, that could really cause some issues down the road. Religion, or the absence of it, is where the basis for our morals, thoughts, and basic ways of dealing with life come from. If those don’t mesh, then there’s not too good of chance for the couple to survive.
Although I claim Lutheranism and my husband is just sort of a general Christian, it worked out fine. The only thing I ever asked was for him to be baptized, just to be on the safe side. After all, when we die, I want us going to the same place and, if that’s really a make-it-or-break-it thing, I wanted him to have it done. He happily obliged and we’re just sort of whatever. There’s good and bad to all religions. Religions are man-made and, therefore, not perfect. Love unconditionally, respect life, and do what you can to make the world a better place. So, at least even though we’re not the same religious sect, at least we’re pretty much the same.
Honestly, I’d like to give her a hug, too. I know how it is to have a disappointing marriage ceremony. My in-laws royally screwed up my plans and tricked me into getting married early without my family present. And, I know what not knowing you’re getting yourself into feels like, too. A long time ago, hubby had tricked me into thinking hentai and porn would strengthen our relationship and make sex better. It did the complete opposite and I was angry and depressed to the point that I envied the dead every time we passed a graveyard.
I really hope things work out for her. I do. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bumpy road for her, though. And she’s going to have to figure out if she loves him enough to ride out those bumps to smoother paths. Since she saved you from going down this path yourself, I’d try to help her however possible. She’s going to need it. It’s nice that you keep tabs on her. It seems like someone should be watching out for her and waiting to comfort her if she needs it.
Since I kind of feel akin to what she’s going through, let her know I’m here for her, if she wants to talk. My email’s on my profile, if she wants it. Meanwhile, I’ll keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
Lucid Obsession
July 22, 2011 at 7:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I agree with the misconceptions about Mormons. I try to correct people when I can, but I feel like it doesn’t help very much. Many of my high school friends were Mormon, so it was something I learned a lot about, though I never had any desire to be religious at all. If I had to pick a religion, I would probably lean towards it, and I told this once to the first guy I ever dated. He literally laughed at me and called me crazy. Sometime later after that (perhaps a year maybe less) we broke up. He had a cow when I said I was thinking about dating another guy a few weeks later and said “I wouldn’t even consider dating someone for three months!” Well a month after we broke up (to the day) he changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship” with this one girl, who was Mormon, he went to high school with. I questioned him (“Oh it just happened’) and we had words and we stopped speaking at that point. Four months after we broke up a friend of mine asked me if I had seen his profile and I said no, I wasn’t friends with him anymore and she told me he was engaged. They got married eventually sometime, I don’t speak to either of them so I don’t really know any details. At some point in time before they got married he converted to Mormonism, which really shocked me. How could he laugh at me and then himself convert to that religion? Oh and in their wedding blog it talked about how they met and all and they said they were talking soooo much during the spring semester, but it just felt like something was missing. What was missing Oh right… the fact that I was still dating him… Great way to start a marriage there.