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Nightmares

Woke up this morning from a nightmare that had me practically paralized in bed. The longer I was awake, the more details I lost – but I definitely dreamed I was being raped. Sometime after that, Matt Damon (no idea why, wtf) showed up and tried to kill me. I remember fighting to get the knife out of his hand. I remember dragging myself into the dorm hallway and screaming until one of my staff members found me. I remember the police refusing to give me a trip to the hospital and a rape kit.

It was terrifying, and it reminded me again that there is such a huge difference between real rape and rape fantasies. Because this morning, I got off to my reflections of the nightmare. It sounds disturbing when I think about it, but really, what a difference. Fantasy can be controlled by the person in charge – me. Like a BDSM scene, there are rules and boundaries and you can stop at any time if you feel uncomfortable. Rape….it’s dirty, unwanted, and try as you might to stop it, it continues on.

I hope I don’t have any more of these nightmares. Two nights in a row my dreams have been terrible, and I think it’s because I’m reading the Hunger Games and my thoughts are full of fear when I fall asleep.

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