M and I are “on a break” as of Saturday. He’s no longer listed as in a relationship on FB, or FetLife, and none of the pictures of us together are on his main FB page.

My heart is breaking all over again. It feels like I was just here, two years ago, feeling worthless and left out in the cold. I know so much of it is my fault, the fights, not treating him the way I should have for the last few months. But I thought after us talking last week that we were going to try one more time. I was ready, I was caring, and he was awkward when he came back. It’s because he knew what he was going to tell me, and I didn’t even see it coming.

I’m not handling it well, I’m just not. He’s confused and he needs time for himself and I just want to scream to some god and cry out in the night. All I want is to settle down with the one I love and be happy. It’s all I ask, it’s all I’ve craved since I was old enough to think for myself and now I’m heartbroken all over again.



Some of you may follow Screaming Violet, and if so you know that she is hosting Red October, a month-long celebration of that time of the month. As usual I wanted to be involved but wasn’t sure what to write about, so you’re going to get a freely written dose of my feelings on the entire matter.

I hate my period. I’ve heard women talk about it as a source of power, a relief each month, as an unfortunate side effect of the amazing gift that we have to give birth. My brain recognizes all of these things and still, I see our time of the month as a huge burden. Yes, I’m glad to get it and know that I’m not pregnant when the time rolls around, but there are too many other things that come with my period. Mood swings. Odd sensations my body doesn’t get the rest of the month. You know, like when you know you’ve sprung a leak or something. Running out to buy more tampons. Making sure I have enough in my purse, or sneaking products from my backpack to a pocket when I have to leave class for an emergency trip to the Ladies’ room.

I find it unfortunate that with all the other things women have to deal with that men don’t worry about, we also have this. I find the whole ordeal messy, distracting, and honestly I wish the government could find a way to subsidize feminine products or something. I hate having to budget for tampons and liners and whatever else I’m going to need (Aleve, anyone?).

I’ve thought about getting a Diva Cup or similar product, but those just scare me even more. Like I didn’t have enough of a problem learning how to use tampons, now I would have to get something all the way up to my cervix and properly sealed. I would also have to remember to empty it at the right times; honestly, I already forget how long I’ve been using the stuff I’m using. It’s terrible, I know. I’m a terrible role model to women everywhere. Set an alarm for your tampons, ladies!

Yesterday I was at an info session for a trip to Honduras this summer, and the most pressing thought I had was, “Will I be on my period? Can I use tampons in rural Honduras? It’s going to be bad for the environment!”. Still haven’t figured that one out.

My point is, periods suck. They sucked when they started and even though I might be sad when I hit menopause, at least I won’t have any more damn periods!!

A Change of Space

It’s fascinating what a simple change of space can do for one’s life. Take me, for example. I’ve been gone a while. It’s been so many things – moving to Ohio, living with a partner for the first time, getting my first apartment, purchasing a car, starting a professional job. I never thought it would be this hard, but I’ve only been taking a week a time. One week.

During my free time this week, rather than writing reviews I’ve been reorganizing my bedroom. It seems like such a small thing, moving furniture. And yet it’s already been making a huge difference.

For the first time, I’m sleeping in a queen bed. When I moved in, the bed was set up with the headboard against a wall and both sides open with a bedside table next to them. Yet, I spent my entire life so far sleeping in a twin bed, against a wall or a window to maximize space. Just last week I realized, I’m not comfortable with empty space to my right and left. It strikes me as odd; I’m claustrophobic and I don’t like enclosed spaces. And yet, the simple task of moving my bed into a corner has made me feel more secure, more comfortable. I enjoy not having to be aware of both sides of my personal bubble because no one could possibly appear on the wall side of my bed without me knowing it.

Now that M is moving out to his own apartment, I find myself enjoying more than just not having him in my personal space. I’m finally decorating the apartment, feeling like I won’t be judged for adding a more decorative shower curtain or putting daisy posters on the walls. It’s odd – in my head, I know that M won’t judge me for these things yet I still fear it.

The more I change in the apartment, the happier I become. I love changing the space I’m living in; Typically, I move my room around every six months or so because it helps me feel refreshed, renewed. I love making it my own, making it a reflection of my feelings and my thoughts. It’s personal, and not everyone gets it. And that’s okay.

Will it spark some sexual energy? Who knows. But I’m hoping that being more comfortable in my space, my room, my bed, will help me get there. You all can join me on the way.

Getting Back on Track

This week my staff showed up and though I didn’t think it possible, life got busier. I am now coming home, out of my office, to eat and sleep. We were really lucky to have this Sunday off though, and after I spent the day sleeping, M and I went out to dinner. When we got back I decided that I wanted to try out some of my new lingerie. That and we really needed to do the dishes. So, we found a way to get them both together! I wore my sexy purple lingerie while cleaning the dishes with M.

(un)Fortunately, M had some other plans. He sternly told me that I would be wearing my plug during dishwashing as well, especially since I hadn’t used it in months. That was a new experience for sure. I’ve never had it in for more than five or ten minutes, but this time was about twenty, I think. That and he kept messing with it while I was trying to clean.

Finally we messed around a bit and I decided I would let M come on my face. Let me tell you, it felt like it was going everywhere. I even got a bit up my nose. Interesting, not sure if I’ll try it again but I’m glad we did it once. After that I got a back massage with some of my new Afterglow candle. I’m so ready to start writing again, I just need to find the time! I have some fantastic products I need to tell you all about post haste.

Missing you all but loving work,


PS: Did I mention we played with the Wartenberg pinwheel? Omg, M rolled it across my neck and I fell into subspace. It was bliss.


M and I have been in a rut lately and this past weekend, it came down to a sinister point. We were fighting; we barely spoke to each other for two days. I spoke with my best friend about figuring out what I needed to do. Whether we should just end it and move on with our lives.

Somehow we got through it. We talked about how we were both feeling and we made a few decisions, a few agreements to work on things. I’m no longer taking my bc pills until I can go to the doctor again and get on something else. Hopefully I’ll find something that works, eventually. All I know is that being on the pills kills my sex drive and while I can handle that just fine, M can’t.

We’ve been trying to rekindle the flame. I got a package with a few fun items and lingerie today – looking forward to trying them out and finishing reviews I’ve got on hold here. I’m also looking forward to being able to write for you all again, even if it comes back a bit slowly. I missed you.

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