It’s so awesome to be back and posting again. To give you an idea of what’s happened over the last few years, I graduated with my Master’s degree, drove across the country twice with a U-Haul trailer, started my first full-time job, and moved in with my partner. I’ve officially started adulthood, and it’s weird and wonderful all at the same time.
I’ve been itching to get myself active in the community again, but it’s been more difficult than I imagined. To start with, I hadn’t been having a lot of sex during this time. A lot of it was stress related, and I’ve discovered that I also have mild vaginismus. At least, that’s what my doctor says. “It could be a lot worse,” she told me. But to me, it feels about as bad as it can get. Even when my libido is high enough that I’m willing to fool around, penetration hurts and it’s nearly impossible to enjoy to the extent I used to. It’s frustrating, and I feel ashamed, and going to see her is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ve done recently. I had to cancel my last appointment because of other health commitments (surgery, for one), but I’m nervous about going back because I haven’t been “practicing” at home like I should have. Kegel exercises? Fantastic! I can do those. But relaxing my muscles? Apparently I have no idea in hell how to do so.
On top of that, I’ve started antidepressants for the first time in my life. What an amazing experience; I no longer have the violent mood swings I once did, and I generally sleep better. I feel a bit more stable, and a bit more normal. On the downside, I haven’t been able to orgasm since I started the meds. I’ve tried for hours, watched pornography, broken out the toys, and pretty much just made myself sore. Luckily I have a follow-up appointment soon, so we can discuss switching the meds, but I don’t want to lose the benefits I’ve already gained. I feel selfish for wanting both.
This gets to me to the point of my post today; I struggle with following through with things when I can’t do them perfectly, and by perfectly I at least mean to whatever standards I have in my head. I struggle to go to the doctor when I don’t feel like I’ve done enough at home to help myself. I struggle to submit a blog post if it doesn’t feel of the utmost quantity. And here, specifically, I find it hard to write when I’m going through struggles in my sex life. Somehow, in my mind, I feel like a sex blogger should be having amazing sex all the freaking time. But I’m not. I’m a real woman, with real problems both physical and mental. Somehow, I want to get better about talking about it. I want to get better at following through with my hobbies without feeling inaquedate because I’m not perfect. Because at the end of the day, that leaves me sitting at home pursuing nothing because I don’t feel good enough.