A Change of Space

It’s fascinating what a simple change of space can do for one’s life. Take me, for example. I’ve been gone a while. It’s been so many things – moving to Ohio, living with a partner for the first time, getting my first apartment, purchasing a car, starting a professional job. I never thought it would be this hard, but I’ve only been taking a week a time. One week.

During my free time this week, rather than writing reviews I’ve been reorganizing my bedroom. It seems like such a small thing, moving furniture. And yet it’s already been making a huge difference.

For the first time, I’m sleeping in a queen bed. When I moved in, the bed was set up with the headboard against a wall and both sides open with a bedside table next to them. Yet, I spent my entire life so far sleeping in a twin bed, against a wall or a window to maximize space. Just last week I realized, I’m not comfortable with empty space to my right and left. It strikes me as odd; I’m claustrophobic and I don’t like enclosed spaces. And yet, the simple task of moving my bed into a corner has made me feel more secure, more comfortable. I enjoy not having to be aware of both sides of my personal bubble because no one could possibly appear on the wall side of my bed without me knowing it.

Now that M is moving out to his own apartment, I find myself enjoying more than just not having him in my personal space. I’m finally decorating the apartment, feeling like I won’t be judged for adding a more decorative shower curtain or putting daisy posters on the walls. It’s odd – in my head, I know that M won’t judge me for these things yet I still fear it.

The more I change in the apartment, the happier I become. I love changing the space I’m living in; Typically, I move my room around every six months or so because it helps me feel refreshed, renewed. I love making it my own, making it a reflection of my feelings and my thoughts. It’s personal, and not everyone gets it. And that’s okay.

Will it spark some sexual energy? Who knows. But I’m hoping that being more comfortable in my space, my room, my bed, will help me get there. You all can join me on the way.